it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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