You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
