He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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