Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
