I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
