Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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