What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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