I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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