O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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