I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
