I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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