Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
