don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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