I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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