I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
