I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
