I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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