I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
just found out that she named her cat after me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
