It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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