I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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