I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
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The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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