I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
