i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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