i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
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WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
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Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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