I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
