Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I came so hard my ears popped.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
