I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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