You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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