I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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