It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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