I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
