And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
