i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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