I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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