I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
