you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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