oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
