WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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