Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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