bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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