considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.