His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
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So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.