Where are you?
In a non slutty way
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.