i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.