drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
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My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
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there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels