help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
