if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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