she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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