Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
