you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
