That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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