I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
