My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
