i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This is my gift to your gina
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
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