jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
