i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
