Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
