The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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