next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
