I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
